• Pond Swan

    Graphic and text by Ey@el based on the work of Tchaïkovski

    Original en français

    Wild white swans,
    You were hiding away from the wicked,
    But, down below on Earth, as you heard
    The crying of a princess at night,
    Weeping her childhood memories away.

    ♫ "Les Cygnes sauvages", Michel Fugain (1974)

    Eager to see her offspring leave the nest, the Queen Mother organised a speed-dating session to celebrate her son's eighteenth birthday. Pissed off, but not old enough yet to take care of himself, under cover of the night, the prince fluffed his feathers off to the woods. There, a flock of whooper swans flew over him, dropping some dung on his head. Infuriated, he decided to follow them to the pond, determined to shoot one down for breakfast, and came face to beak with a hot chick wearing nothing but white feathers — nothing to do with your ordinary white goose.

    The Lady of The Lake had a name: Odette (and no, it wasn't Prince Arthur but Siegfried). Odette was a princess hexed by one jealous satanic mother f***er with a name you don't play around with (Rot something... Rothschild? Rottweiler?) who had decided that if he could not get into her pants nobody would. So, during the day she would dance buck naked on the frozen pool of tears meanwhile in daytime, she would be digging the mud with her feathery companions.

    The Prince obviously dug her mucho at first sight. And since love is the most powerful energy of the whole universe in the world, their love story immediately started scuppering the evil s***t, rousing the satanic mother f***er. Upon which the blood of the little lovebird ran cold (which was inevitable after dancing barefoot on ice all night long) then hot while attempting to ruffle the s***bag's feathers. But Odette interfered for the Rottweiler was not to die before the spell was broken or else she would be left low and wet in the pond until the endless end of times.

    Then what? Guess what: ring her up to the altar. That simple! Except the satanic mother f***er had his daughter Odile passing up for a black swan Odette. Siegfried (who was either colour blind or most likely had had one too many) didn't smell the swan and married the goose. That's when the hot chick (swany) popped up and the greenhorn realised he had been suckered.

    Too late! Odette would have to dig the mud forever until the endless end of times and if she had to eat worms, she'd rather get eaten by them. So into the water beyond she plunged before permanently losing her human form. Unable to face the prospect of being married to a goose and being in-law with a Rottweiler, Siegfried, too, threw himself head over heels into the frozen lake.

    But since love is the most powerful energy of the whole universe in the world, the satanic mother f***er was all scr***d up and ultimately, the two lovers got reunited in fluffy heaven.

    This is how, every time we get snow during the winter, it's actually the angels fighting over the favours of Her Majesty of the Lake (and not the effects of global warming as you are made to believe).

    Happy Solstice everyone and beware of moonstrokes!


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