• How to Survive The Red Peril

    Article by Ey@el

    Original en français

    Jingle bells, jingle bells
    Jingle in my head
    What the stuff, turkeys and chimes
    All on Christmas Eve

    Christmas — probably the only holiday one can hardly ignore. You may either love it or hate it. You may be looking forward to it or dread it, but you can never remain indifferent.

    There's a good reason to that. For beyond the pagan celebration of the sun's return or its religious hijacking (actually Christ would not be born in December) and the considerable windfall profits that come with it, Christmas is some kind of an inevitable phase acting as a magnifying filter of all human emotions. It carries a lot of joy, elation, expectation, but also a lot of sadness, disappointment, loneliness, and frustration. Christmas is mostly blinged out in every way. It jingles jangles all the way. Hypocrisy, stupidity, squareness, on Christmas you get tutti la Commedia dell'arte!

    Christmas is a peril no one escapes and it leaves red marks everywhere: on the rim of glasses; on the cheeks of spoiled kids; on the eyes of the lonely and sad; and sometimes on the wrists of the most hopeless.

    So what? Is that wrong to be the Grinch on Christmas Eve? Well, it's still a lesser evil than consenting to these disingenuous social rites and get gut-eaten by emotions we're not entitled to express nor feel. I'm usually the happy and upbeat one even though my life is really no bed of roses. But as an empath, being overwhelmed by ambient toxicity, Christmas tends to act as the straw that breaks the camel's back. So for those like me, here's a couple of tricks I found on the net that might help you survive this red peril.

    The Three Commandments

    Operation Sabotage

    While rocking the tractor might not be the best idea, if someone attempts to pull you out by force, stand your ground and strike a blow back. You may not be thrilled about Christmas, but what about letting yourself wrap up in their views and see what happens? You never know what comes of this. At worst, they might withdraw into their cage and you'd end up with more space.

    Lay out all your cards

    Goodbye artless hypocrisy, the hell with good manners, let's play your Christmas cards! Though in France, we traditionally send our greetings for the New Year. Please note that even though black humour never killed anyone, be careful that laughing out loud does not pull your head off.

    The Christmas Quiz for Dummies

    As a last resort, pass them the buck of snow and finish them off with this low-level quiz (hover the red rectangles to display answers).

    1. What do snowmen usually wear on their heads?
      Answer: Ice caps.
    2. What is the difference between snowmen and snow-women? 
      Answer: Snowballs.
    3. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
      Answer: Snowflakes.
    4. What do you call an old snowman?
      Answer: Water.
    5. What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
      Answer: Snow.
    6. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
      Answer: They always drop their needles.
    7. What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas Advent Calendar?
      Answer: He got 25 days.
    8. What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
      Answer: The elfaphet.
    9. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
      Answer: He wanted to sleep like a log.
    10. How do you know Santa is good at karate?
      Answer: He has a black belt.
    11. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh?
      Answer: He wanted to see time fly.
    12. Where does Santa stay when he is on holiday?
      Answer: At a Ho-ho-ho-tel.

    So who's the weakest link, huh?

    Happy jingle jangle everyone!


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