Article by Ey@el

Original en français

© Uderzo

Nowadays, with the internet and social media, anyone can speak English and claim to be bilingual (while at the same time having no problem committing sedition against their own mother tongue). Better still, thanks to Google Translate, there is now a flowering of would-be translators who are making Chinese Whispers great again. Thus from AI to CIA, i.e. as you see shall you RIP. Where there's a pun, there's a pay. Algorithms take no survivors.

Since the dawn of time – mostly since a war which has had its day even though it lasted a hundred years – just like dogs wagging their tails when they're happy and cats doing so when they're pissed, “frog-eaters” and “tea-drinkers” always have had great trouble singing from the same hymn-sheet for each tune to a different clef. This results in a constant cacophony which the rest of the globe has decided to use as their standard tuning, whilst they should know better and stand up to this nonsense. If the cap fits, wear it!

As a demonstration – not meant as a protest¹ – check in the couple of homographs² below…

Imagine how someone in France getting a slap on the hand while purchasing bread would end up in pain for putting tape on the gas main.³

Likewise, if you leave your clothes lying around in a corner of the cellar and it's filthy, they will tell you that it's getting the other side of the coin for your sales habits in caves.⁴

Enlightening, isn't it?

While getting this right in your face may certainly be a bit tough, it's no big deal really. Well, with Britons being more touchy, they would literally feel such figure as extremely rude as it could put you in your grave.⁵

Seriously.

And if a British bartender tells you they're not available because their boss is waiting for a reading, make sure you have understood properly before accusing them of telling fibs as they may actually be attending a lecture by a patron.⁶

In the same fashion, if you wish to book a place on a coach and there is a rental deposit to pay, know that Google is fucking with you as you're only requested to drive your car with caution in any location.⁷

Clearly, it's less trouble catching French whispers on camelback in the desert. Especially when you come across an oasis. Or a mirage. Though for us, in France, Mirages tend to break the sound barrier over and over (at Mach round speed).

Now, the reason why an Englishman wouldn't even get goose flesh being called a dick head by a Frenchman may be because they wouldn't quite get it why they should bite their chair.⁸

Strange guys, those Gauls!

Also, you can't rely on luck to put you off the scent as chance never makes change.⁹

Ey@el

P.S. : Oops! Didn't know it was impossible so I did it. Challenge met at the cost of many puns lost in translation and having had to figure out new ones. Don't expect me to do that for every article though. I may be a language sadist, I ain't no translation masochist! However, for your convenience – and for those of you who have absolutely no basic knowledge of French – please, read the footnotes.